It feels kind of surreal today… Without Geoffrey here, it’s so much more quiet, since he’s not here to talk to (or talk back when he so desires). It’s not like a huge noticeable difference, it’s almost like a slightly uncomfortable alternate reality, and it seems like tomorrow or the day after is when it will feel like reality, but very uncomfortable. This is like a strange … almost simulation. Hard to explain.
I’ve been bumming around today, ignored cleaning the dishes, but last night I did go through and clean up the various items I had everywhere for taking care of Geoffrey. His IV bag, the litter pan next to the bed, his bowls of water… I didn’t want to wake up and see that shit right off the bat. His bed is still here, but I’m thinking I’m going to save it/archive it along with what few Geoffrey-centric items I may have. Geoff didn’t ask for much, just food, water, a home, and love. His cat combs and brush will be put away, along with his (labeled) leash and harness, which is part of why he was a mini celebrity around here.
There’s also something missing, what I’m sure some would call his spirit. His presence, but not an overt one, just a … feeling that the place isn’t whole. As much as I love rationality and don’t believe in ghosts and stuff, I felt him last night. As I finally started to fall asleep, I swear I could feel his body resting in my arms, like I had my arms cradling him as we would sometimes do when he slept next to me. Even stranger, I could “feel” him purring, just a light vibration against my chest which wasn’t being caused by anything physically there. I didn’t even question it nor rationalize it away; there was no way I was going to ruin that. So whether it was my brain playing tricks on me or Geoffrey somehow letting me know he’s OK and isn’t upset with me, I was so comforted.
The way I see and think about both my life and life in general is so … strange. It feels so…I don’t know. I still feel so stuck at times, vacillating between befuddled, frustrated, scared, and unmotivated/apathetic. I have to get yet another game plan going, because without Geoffrey here, especially since his absence is compounded with the sense of loss, I know I will feel I have even less direction than I did before.
It’s hard to imagine myself being anywhere near as gregarious or active as I was in the past, although even then there was a constant looming emptiness, or like I wasn’t in sync with my reality (warped glass thing I talked about) which kept me from really being able to feel I was grounded and tethered to normalcy. Geoffrey was one of those tethers, so I just have to be vigilant about not falling into a cycle of more passivity and not notice when 5 years passes by. It’s like I don’t have a straight line for my life, or even one which goes forward, just a series of u-turns and shifts to the side.
Anyway. I’m rambling. It feels strange without him being around, and while I’m prepared for it to feel even stranger or more saddening in a day or two, I also know it’ll pass. Question is, once it does, what will my sense of reality be then? Time to get another game plan, one with something solid and … *sigh*. See, this is when I would look at Geoffrey, and he’d squint at me, and I’d squint back. I read somewhere awhile ago that cats may use the opening and closing of their eyes as a method of communication, more than just “eyes wide open when scared/shut when relaxed.” So Geoff would look at me and squint “It’ll be ok, just keep going,” and I’d squint “Thanks, Buddy,” then he’d squint “Anytime, I love you.”
The legs have been hurting more than usual today, I’m staggering around like …. I dunno, something which staggers. Frankenstein’s monster? So I guess I will try to rest some more, to sleep. I dreamed about Geoff last night! And in my dream he had passed away, but I was putting him somewhere, like on his bed or something, I’m not sure. Maybe he was letting me know that I’ve accepted his passing, and he’s resting safe and sound, and I don’t have to worry or be extra angsty about him. To that, Geoff, I say <*squint*, *squint+smile*>.