Pain Day

     I have only a few types of days: Great days (extremely rare), good days (rare), OK days (often), bad/half-functioning days (sometimes), and crash days (random, unconscious /sleep).  I get to add a new one now.  Pain days (extremely rare).  I had a feeling I had overdone it yesterday, plus leftover pain from last week, but damn.  It fucking hurts.  Pain meds do nothing, and hopefully my do-not-take-unless-you-don’t-mind-being-kinda-zombified sleep med helps soon.  Now I remember why I shy away from pushing too much most of the time, which I used to do more often back when I REALLY questioned the reality of the situation.

     Yes, this is a whining post, but whatever, I’m ignoring my “try to observe but not whine, angst, or self-pity” rule.      You know why you never see people with chronic pain?  Because we hide away, safe from the frustration of normal life, safe from embarrassment over struggling to do something like food shopping.  Safe from seeing what should be, in the form of others functioning normally…  There are plenty of people with various disabilities who do lead normal lives.  There are even those with chronic pain who can maintain some semblance of normality….But there are more hidden away, too tired to even be pissed off, much less function properly, trying to exist moment by moment, finding something they can elicit joy from.  The few a who have their full cognitive abilities still, I envy.  Mine still feel scrambled, constantly distracted.

     Like a yapping little dog who is always there, sometimes loud, sometimes soft, but always yapping.

     I go, enough discussion of this.  Perhaps it is time to allow myself to be angry every so often, to utilize that most potent of fuels: rage.  But directed at helping the issue, however it can be.  End of peek into that large section of my mind which stays off-limits to others, with steel doors and blacked-out windows.  My own little Area 51.

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